So The Turmoil Begins

well, the purpose of this blog was not to post pretty pictures of twiggy the cat or tell people that i am on vacation. the purpose of this blog was a bit more daunting than that and a lot more painful.

i have parental unit issues.

i know. i know. we all have those. i guess we all have them to a degree but mine are, well, not the normal degree.

i don't even know where to begin. i have so much to say and yet, due to embarrassment, i have nothing to say. i have so much to be angry about yet at the same time i would give anything to never be angry again. i have tried just about every means known to mankind to rid, control, extinguish, live with, let out, understand, maintain, etc., my powerful angry side. if you know me well, you know what i speak of. if you are casually observing this blog, it's not like any anger you know. it's probably the scariest thing you've ever seen. one of my two best friends, graham, jokes that me in my angry state would put samara (from the ring movies) in a crouched position, in a closet, biting her nails as she rocks back and forth. i admit it's pretty bad and while i make no excuses for it, i think it's important to walk a mile in my shoes and see how it got to be like this.

yesterday while researching hawaii, i saw these pictures and i tell ya, while most people would be impressed with the sheer beauty of these pictures, i found them...breathtaking. i wrote to kenton about how i would like to reach out and touch the lava flow. i was mesmerised for about 5 whole minutes just looking at the red of the hot lava and the black of the charred areas around. the awe of destruction in the wake of something new. i wondered about the heat and the damage that the temperature could do to a person. i wondered if it would burn off the hand or if the hand would just catch fire. i am tempted, like a child, to touch the lava. i seem drawn to the inner energy of this phenomenon. hawaii is new earth and land forming as we speak. the earth itself is 5 billions years old and here are volcanoes in hawaii creating brand new earth, mountains, beaches and eventually beautiful lush forests and breathtaking waterfalls. yet this red hot lava is so destructive in it's raw state. it made me wonder if it's necessary to have such drama in creating anything. even the earth it seems is beyond tempermental. is it necessary to have such destruction to mold the more unusual and complex structures we see in everyday life?

my question for me, and irrelevant no doubt to most others, is would i still have been me, and all the things i like about me, driven, intelligent, resourceful, and ambitious, if i had not recevied such a rude awakening as a child. my question is how much of the bad parenting did i need to receive to get me to the point where i'd be who i am today minus the seething deep chasm of anger.

is this molten lava necessary to create all the beauty that we see in the earth (yes, i know some geological features are created without any volcanic activity but all the nice cool stuff is always volcanic in creation)!

note: i am a heavy perfectionist and i will be editing all my thoughts regularly but it's important for me to get this stuff down in a semi chronological, sensible fashion first and then fine tune and sew it together later. this material has been commissioned as a book and so, without a doubt, it will need to be edited and fine tuned. no need to worry, i will get it going in a more readable format soon enought.